WHAT IS MARRIAGE

1. Marriage is not only a word; it's also a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the the person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

8. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that a man in Ancient China doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

9. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

10. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

11. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

12. Eighty percent of married man cheats in America, the rest cheat in Europe

13. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

14. Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

15. it's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

16. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is

REASON, SEASON, LIFETIME

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Take time to THANK love ones for being a part of your life, whether they were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

MEN'S RULES

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
The cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
Death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
That my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
Act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was anothe r woman there somewhere
That I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic And searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet And checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, And finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart Attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
Both still be alive

All Us Women

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?'
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. "Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked. 'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Men vs Women

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Mother's Day comes nine months after father's day.
A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.
God gave men muscles because he gave women strength.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A happily married man is one who understands every word which his wife didn't say.

REASONING
Any married man should forget his mistake.
There is no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble
you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's because she changes it more often.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.
A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.
Every man needs a wife, because many things go wrong that he can't blame on the government.
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

IMAGE CONSCIOUS
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

LAW OF CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner


ARGUMENT THEORUM
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

HONESTY
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
Women like silent men ... they think those men are listening.
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
If you fail the first time; destroy all the evidence.

BUMPER STICKERS
Seen on Taxi's bumper sticker: “Driver carries no cash. He's married.”
Seen on a bumper sticker: "I'm as happily married as a husband can get".

The Perfect Husband?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN : "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1, 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to ?"