hey you guys, I'm getting marry this year and I'm looking forward to it. However, there's a problem involving the distant. I met my boyfriend through a family member. He's from California and I"m from another state. We both agreed to get marry but my boyfriend family requested to have an engagement party over on my side only, not the wedding. My parents wanted the wedding because that's is a big day for me and family, relative and friends ( as it happened to my sister already). my boyfriend side said that even if the wedding ceremony happen on my side I can not wear the white dress at the wedding reception, which signify the guests that we are married. To my boyfriend's family, we are not marry yet until we complete the ceremony on the his side. I thought we are married after his parents ask my parents for permission. His family taking me home (ruoc dau) is a way to introduce me to his family, ancestors, friends and relatives, not asking for his ancestors permission. Could somebody explain to me the process of Vietnamese marriage? I'm really stress. What should I do now?

Hi Vvlove,

What about your boyfriend's input in this? How do you want the wedding to be held? this is YOUR wedding, not the wedding between 2 families. This has nothing to do with vietnamese traditions at all. Ditch both sides, and go to Las Vegas for a drive-in if they cannot reach an agreement. Just kidding.

Personally, i think his family demanding you not to wear the white gown on your side is a little bit too much. Why not hold both wedding ceremonies on both sides and you get to wear 2 different white gowns (with the same groom of course )? Marriage is a compromise between 2 parties. His family wants something official, but don't you think your parents want to see their daughter having an "official" wedding as well on your side? Have a clear talk before you two start a new life together. I think you would like to know how your hubby react in this difficult situation as well. Goodluck!

Helen, thanks for the input. My boyfriend wanted the wedding the way his parents plan. He told me to go to las Vegas too but my parents are kinda tradition. they won't let me to go alone with him.
We are having two ceremonies of course but they don't want me to wear the wedding dress because we haven't finish the ceremony on his side yet. i'm stress!

I think it's more stressful to choose which dress to wear
Why don't you wear a traditional red dress (áo dài) at the ceremony of your side? In fact, dressing traditionally will make it well more "official" to my viewpoint.
Then you can change to the western white dress for the ceremony at his side.
Is it a good compromise?

Asian culture is a pain, especially when it comes to marriage. I'll try to make it brief. Engagement party is normally on the girl's side, why? This is when the man's side come over and say, we recognized this girl to be our future daughter in law, also in this party the 2 side will decide how the wedding is going to be, and how much the your parents wants for the wedding and exactly what you guys wanted. Then when wedding comes, normal tradition you guys have the ceremony for everyone on your side to celebrate and to let everyone know that you are getting married, then your husband's side come over and have a meal and take you guys over there. Tradition is, his parents must come over to get you and your family members can come along.

The reason ur fiance's side doesn't want you to wear a white gown is probably they don't want you to have the saying "wearing the wedding dress 2nd time" which could be interpret as getting married more than once, bad bad for the oldies. Old Viet thinks proper girl only have 1 husband.

Yeah, that's the tradition but nowadays we are in US, we have more things to worried about rather than just that. People do alter that tradition A LOT, depending on both side. Hate to say this, but since his parents are from Cali, they will tend to stick to that culture more than other Viets coming from states with fewer Vietnamese.

Seems like you and your fiance' are torn between the 2 families. This is when you guys need to sit down and ask each other what is important? Recognition for the 2 families, or you guys? I have hear lots of wedding where they had it BIG, LOTS of crowd, etc... later they went for a divorce. Personally, I would want a wedding to make my hubby and me happy and not having too much debt after the wedding.

Some thing to consider. Who's wedding is this (this wedding is for whom)? Who is going to put the money into the wedding? If it's you two then the 2 side of the family should step aside and let you two decided. Whatever is most convenient to you guys. If they are going to spend their money on you guys then yeah try to accompanied with them. This is your wedding, not your family not his family and definitely not your sister's wedding. Having a big wedding doesn't guarantee a happily couply after all. What's worst is when you guys have to put the money in and have to do what the 2 sides want, DON'T let yourself in this situation.

Good luck,
KV

khavan

I think Bouh idea is great.

simple and can be pleasant for both side...

Hey guys, Thanks for the input. We both decided to get marry in court first then vietnamese way. This will comprimise both families.