I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P..S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great day.
.............................................................
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice your hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich & Free!
P..S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
